a mama’s hurting heart

I woke up this morning with the realization that things would never be the same again around this household…Taylor has officially moved out. For the longest time, I denied the fact. I knew that when Jenna bought a house, Taylor’s intentions were to move in with her. The house was bought and updates have been in the process ever since. I just kept denying the fact that eventually Taylor would be leaving the nest.  It happened – yesterday. Maybe it was a good thing it happened yesterday. I was gone ALL DAY with a bus activity for the high school. I left home at 6:00 a.m. and returned at 8:30 p.m. The first clue that things would be different when I got home was the text I received from Taylor:

“All moved in! I just need somewhere to sleep now ha ha” and this picture

Both she and Jenna have worked really hard in getting this house turned into a home for them and I’m so proud of the work they’ve done! Taylor completely transformed her room from something that was not her into her. The closet was a mess! It had layers and layers of wallpaper and cracks. She sent me a text after starting to remove the wallpaper and asked how she could make it look good. I told her to really make it look good, she would have to do it right which meant continuing to remove all the wallpaper. I know this wasn’t what she wanted to hear because Taylor likes to start something and then be done with it five minutes later. This was good for her! She could feel the feeling of accomplishment and know it was done right. She did get all the wallpaper off and patched the holes and cracks. It looks awesome. Not perfect but what do you expect from a 100+-year-old house – certainly not perfection. The floor had carpet (very dirty carpet) on it. She removed that herself and cleaned it. Looks pretty good! Her new home and new life adventures are exciting but this ‘ole mama’s heart is hurting. So, when I got home last night, this is what I found

Her shoes were missing. Not just a few pairs – quite a few pairs that are usually piled in a pile and tripped on as you head into the house. It was at this point that I knew life as I had known it for the past 19 years wouldn’t be the same.

I was so tired when I got home, I didn’t even want to think about the changes. I just wanted to go to bed. Sleep would also allow me to defer the thoughts of how things were going to be different from here on out.

This morning, though, was a different story. I laid there in bed and thought about the past 19 years and how much noise Taylor had created. She was the kid that had she had an off/on switch, she may have been turned off quite often. She never napped – was awake the entire time we were awake. Funny how at the time all you can think about is the time when you could sleep again and have a “normal” life. Well, I’m here to tell ya, “normal” was the past 19 years. Now I have to get used to a new normal. A new normal that doesn’t include high-pitched whistling, singing all the time and the buzz that only Taylor created.

Verification that she’s really gone – an empty room and closet. This room has had someone in it for years. It used to have bunk beds when Jamie and Jenna shared it. The bunk beds were removed when they moved out and Taylor moved in.

One of the few things left hanging in the closet. I believe this was Jamie’s junior high basketball jersey.

The tears began to fall and then the uncontrollable sobs. Poor Jim. He tried to console me but it’s impossible. Even he doesn’t understand the piece of my heart that now fills my throat. “You still have me and Callie”, he says. “Yeah, but for only a couple more years”, I replied. What I meant was I would only have Callie for a couple more years.

I lay there and think about how much of me and my life has been consumed into caring for my kids.  How much of everything I do and did has revolved around their existence. Making sure they had something to eat, they were clean, they treated each other nicely (well sometimes I failed with this one), they were safe, at church every Sunday and, above all else, I was there when they needed me. My job is nearly done. I only have a couple more years to be an impact in a child’s life and then what? I guess I carry this over into being the best grandma I can.

I’m sure these feelings and thoughts are experienced by all moms and mine are no different but right now it feels like I am the only one going through this pain. And pain it is! Something that seemed so far into the future when Jamie was placed on my chest for the very first time 28 years ago. Where in the world did those years go?

Taylor – age 4 – by her tree.

I’ve been through enough times like this to know that time will help fill the hole that is gaping wide open right now. And, the new normal will be something that replaces the normal that was yesterday. I’m excited for Taylor to experience being on her own. Being responsible for herself and knowing the choices she makes from here on out won’t depend on mom and dad’s influence. They are her choices and I can only hope the past 19 years of parental influence will help make the right decisions. But, as I’ve always told her…every choice has a consequence whether it’s good or bad. Prayer is all I have left in those decisions – prayer that she seeks His will in her life and remembers that in the end, she’s His child. I was blessed as her caretaker for the first 19 years of her life – she will forever be a child of God and I pray that that is what leads her in every choice and decision she makes. And, I also hope she remembers the forgiveness that He offers…daily!

I love you, Taylor, and I miss you already (even though you’re only a few miles away). It will NEVER be the same from here on out but I will adjust (with time).